Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
she pinky promised me she was 18
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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