All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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