onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
