Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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