The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I want to be your penis for a week.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
