I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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