If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
