i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
