No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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