ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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