i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
