Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
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