the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
