Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
