my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
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I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
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oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
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