At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
