I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
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