I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
