my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
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