I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
