shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
