is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
We had to coat check the pizza.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
