I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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