So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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