she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize