I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
