White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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