in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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