omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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