No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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