period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
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