I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
