He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
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