You smell like stripper and shame
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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