So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
