The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
