i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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