my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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