I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Randomize
