You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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