It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
