I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
