I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
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