So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
