Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.