for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
