How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
