im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
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