my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize