How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
