I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
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Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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