Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
