My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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