Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
