i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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