why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
