if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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