I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Randomize
