Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
